Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Not so broken....

So I have to admit that I have been feeling somewhat guilty for posting such a negative blog last week. After all, it was my first blog ever, and there it is for all of the world to see! I can say that it was real, and it was where I was at, so I guess I need to honor that experience and move on.

All of that to say that now, just a week later, I don't feel quite so broken anymore! YEAH!! I fully attribute it to God's grace, and the strength of friends and even strangers whose lives have impacted me over the last week. So to all of you, I say THANK-YOU!!

My job is one area that is becoming deeply fulfilling for me. For those of you who truly know me, you are aware that I am not exactly a big fan of early mornings. In fact, I LOVE to sleep more than anything. However, with great reluctance, I have started 2 music ensembles that meet before school on Monday and Tuesday mornings. I know, INSANE!! In fact, this morning, I arrived at exactly 7:57, diet coke in hand, and 25 kids going, "hurry up Mrs. Reynolds! We want to get started!!" That just warmed my heart. 45 kids join me Monday mornings for Choir and 40 kids join me Tuesday mornings for Orff Ensemble and we have a blast. They are so extraordinary in their abilities and we are making some pretty awesome music.

Before I head off to bed, I do have to reiterate my gratitude that dawn truly does follow the darkness. The last few weeks have truly pushed me to the place of exhaustion, and I desperately needed a moment of rest. My much wiser than me friend Erin reminded me that sometimes when facing life's toughest journeys, sometimes the goal is to just endure to the finish line. Its that process of daily putting one foot in front of the other in spite of exhaustion. The pace may have slowed, the enthusiasm may have waned, fear may be setting in that the end may never come, but its maintaining the endurance to ENDURE. I am so grateful for the supporters God has placed in my life who carry me when my own ability to endure is nearly gone, and I am even more grateful that God brings us back into the beauty of the sunshine after long, dark hours in the evening.

Monday, September 8, 2008


It goes without saying that this is not the life that I wanted. Never in a million years would I have hoped to be 27, divorced, alone, and shaken to the core of my foundation by so many whose primary approach to life is denial. Never could I have imagined that I would experience the loss of my first love, the disappointment and betrayal of my beloved, the anguish that comes in being cast out of your own family, or the judgmental glances of those who demonstrate very little of the very grace that saves each of us. Never would I have guessed that I would be totally and completly alone....that I would invest so much, love so deeply and with such purity, and experience bitter disappointment over and over again. This is not what I want.

With each blog visited, and the baby pictures posted and viewed, and the exuberant statements of infalliable greatness of one's spouse, I am forced to face that which I do not have. I am reminded once again of the failure that now markes my life, of the brokenness that I fear threatens to overcome me. I invested 8 years. 8 YEARS! It should be my turn. It should be my babies. It should be my dream as well. Not exclusive of others, but in connection with. I want to be able to share in the joy rather than experience the presence of bitter heartbreak that is marked with each visit to these pages.

I have been on my own for exactly one year, and as the seasons are changing, and the weather is growing cooler, I am struck by the painful reminder of yet another winter, yet another season of death, of beauty lost. One year...gone. Am I really one year closer to clarity, one year closer to beauty, one year closer to joy?

I can say with certainty that I faced the past 2 years of my life with great strength and great courage...clarity and presence of mind that comes only from God himself. I have endured the loss, I have walked the scary steps on the proverbial path less traveled, I have acted with grace and with authenticity, and with great care for those involved. I have been the recipient of grace extended to me by those whom I love and now call my family, and I have wept tears of healing and resolve.

So all of this to say that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to hurt. I don't necessarily want to face truth, for the path is darker than ever before, and my heart is wounded nearly beyond recognition. I feel flawed, I feel marked by pain and experience that is uncharacteristic of 28 short years. My faith is waning, and the honest truth is I don't totally believe anymore that it will get better. I fear that I am damaged beyond repair, and that somehow God might never answer the truest desires of my heart....communion with the love of my life, companionship, wholeness of relationship, motherhood, the opportunity to give life to those around me, to be the light in someone else's darkness rather than the life-sucking force of being one who is wounded. I know that God allows the wounds that pierce our hearts for the greater purpose of awakening our lives to His divine purpose, but what if I just can't do it? What if I just can't endure to the end? What if my strength is lost and I remain in this darkness indefinitely?

There are those in my life whose deepest journeys far extend what I would be able to face, and I take such strength from their faithfulness. May God carry me in my weakness and love that which is unloveable in my life.