It goes without saying that this is not the life that I wanted. Never in a million years would I have hoped to be 27, divorced, alone, and shaken to the core of my foundation by so many whose primary approach to life is denial. Never could I have imagined that I would experience the loss of my first love, the disappointment and betrayal of my beloved, the anguish that comes in being cast out of your own family, or the judgmental glances of those who demonstrate very little of the very grace that saves each of us. Never would I have guessed that I would be totally and completly alone....that I would invest so much, love so deeply and with such purity, and experience bitter disappointment over and over again. This is not what I want.
With each blog visited, and the baby pictures posted and viewed, and the exuberant statements of infalliable greatness of one's spouse, I am forced to face that which I do not have. I am reminded once again of the failure that now markes my life, of the brokenness that I fear threatens to overcome me. I invested 8 years. 8 YEARS! It should be my turn. It should be my babies. It should be my dream as well. Not exclusive of others, but in connection with. I want to be able to share in the joy rather than experience the presence of bitter heartbreak that is marked with each visit to these pages.
I have been on my own for exactly one year, and as the seasons are changing, and the weather is growing cooler, I am struck by the painful reminder of yet another winter, yet another season of death, of beauty lost. One year...gone. Am I really one year closer to clarity, one year closer to beauty, one year closer to joy?
I can say with certainty that I faced the past 2 years of my life with great strength and great courage...clarity and presence of mind that comes only from God himself. I have endured the loss, I have walked the scary steps on the proverbial path less traveled, I have acted with grace and with authenticity, and with great care for those involved. I have been the recipient of grace extended to me by those whom I love and now call my family, and I have wept tears of healing and resolve.
So all of this to say that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to hurt. I don't necessarily want to face truth, for the path is darker than ever before, and my heart is wounded nearly beyond recognition. I feel flawed, I feel marked by pain and experience that is uncharacteristic of 28 short years. My faith is waning, and the honest truth is I don't totally believe anymore that it will get better. I fear that I am damaged beyond repair, and that somehow God might never answer the truest desires of my heart....communion with the love of my life, companionship, wholeness of relationship, motherhood, the opportunity to give life to those around me, to be the light in someone else's darkness rather than the life-sucking force of being one who is wounded. I know that God allows the wounds that pierce our hearts for the greater purpose of awakening our lives to His divine purpose, but what if I just can't do it? What if I just can't endure to the end? What if my strength is lost and I remain in this darkness indefinitely?
There are those in my life whose deepest journeys far extend what I would be able to face, and I take such strength from their faithfulness. May God carry me in my weakness and love that which is unloveable in my life.