Friday, October 3, 2008

I really should be sleeping....

I am sitting in a place in which I know God has orchestrated to be pivitol and life changing. Events have occured, grace has been extended, circumstances have hit at exactly the most perfect moment that only God himself could have planned, and I...am....scared. I don't know if I want to face this. I am scared of what I will find if I just allow it to happen. I don't know how much more I can absorb, or own, or acknowledge, or identify as part of the tapestry that has been my life. I don't want to have to be transparent or real with those who love me about things that are unpleasant or beyond my control, yet have defined who I am today. To ignore is impossible, to allow it to surface is overwhelming, and so, I just am...I am just awake when I should be sleeping. I am alone when I so desperately want to be in community with others. I am silent when my life's joy is sound. And I am here....

Be still and know that He is God.

So for this moment of stillness, I sit in fear, and in the knowledge that I am here for a reason, that I have a lesson to learn, that I am not alone, and that from the pain comes the healing that I have prayed for and earnestly been seeking for 22 very long months. I am tired and I am scared and I am trying to control and hold on, but in this moment, I choose to let go. I choose to let God. I choose to release, and be still and know that He is MY God, my healer, my protector, my Love.

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