Sunday, October 19, 2008

Sunday Night Blues....

So, every Sunday night, I hit this deeply introspective place that one might describe as the "blues," or more specifically, its the one time of my week that is deeply reflective and I take stock of things...those that I did accomplish last week, that which I hope to accomplish next week. Its a rather 'alone' time if you will. Everyone else is off with their families, people are busy with "family" things, and I am just here. It brings me to a place of a lot of thoughts and emotions that quite honestly I would rather not face. But here goes just a few:
  • My pastor this morning read from a parable that is used to illustrate stewardship from God's perspective, specifically in a financial sense. Given the recent financial scares in the world markets, this is particularly appropropriate to take a look at once again. But then he took it a step further and asked, are we being good stewards of our lives? Well, am I? Am I being a good steward of my body? Of my gifts? Of my resources? Of my emotional well-being? Of my finances? Or for me, am I biding my time until my life is how I want it to be? Can I truly find joy and fulfillment as a single person? Can I allow myself to be grateful for the gift of singlehood that God has given me? Or will I continue to waste another day longing for that which I don't have? Wow! Talk about a bitter but much needed pill to take.
  • The children's sermon discussed change....the change that comes with seasons, and more specifically, the season's of our lives. This is God's plan, for nature, and for us. Do I embrace God's plan, or do I resent it and long for what is to come, or what has already been? Yeah, not so good at this one either.
  • There are some elements of my life that let's face it, I am not being a good steward of. There are dreams that I harbor, resentments I hold on to, loves that I idolize, and selfish desires that I allow to consume me. Surely this is not the plan or design God has for my life. Shouldn't I just let go?

Those of you who know me best know that I don't love being single. Yes, there are some tremendous advantages. However, I long for relationship and communion with a spouse who loves me and whom I am able to grow and share life with. But, the reality is, God did not come to this earth and promise that Rachel Reynolds would have a spouse and marriage that she desires. My prayer is that it is in His plan, but in the meanwhile, shouldn't I embrace that the plan God has for my life, at least for right now, does not involve a spouse? This is my prayer tonight. God grant me the peace and acceptance that comes with knowing that your plan is perfect, that your design for my life is fulfilling and truly does work for the good in my life, and may I not continue to grumble and question your sovereignty.

1 comment:

RMCarter said...

Hi sweetie, I hope you don't mind me snooping on your blog.

I think the most frustrating thing is that your desire is a righteous one. You're not wanting a bigger house, a fancy car, or brand name clothes. You want a companion to spend your life with. Your desire is holy and your heart is pure.

You are in my prayers. I deeply admire your strength and faith.

Love, Michelle